This is for the enlightenment of all spouses, to hopefully save them a few black eyes in the future.

Scenario 1: your wife has been puking her guts out all night and is greener than

what NOT to say: You look like hell.

what TO say: My God, you look radiant! This must be the pregnancy glow they’ve been talking about!

Scenario 2: Your wife suddenly realizes she no longer fits into ANY pre-pregnancy clothes and the scale is now hovering at an ungodly number.

What NOT to say: mimic the sound of a garbage truck backing up whenever she enters or leaves a room.

what TO say: do you even HAVE an ass? I can’t even see it it’s so tiny!!

Scenario 3: your wife downs her 3rd carton of Ben and Jerry’s for the night.

What Not to say: I thought you were supposed to be eating for 2, not an entire football team!

what TO Say: would you like me to get you some more , darling?

Scenario 4: your wife is screaming in pain in the delivery room.

what NOT to say: Anything. At . All.

Scenario 5: a SMOKING HOT, thin woman walks by in front of you and your wife. your wife is at the point in her pregnancy where she can no longer see her toes. you accidentally catch a glimpse of the woman walking by and your wife takes notice.

What NOT to say: (wolf whistle), man, I wish I had me some of that!

What TO say: She isn’t NEARLY as hot as you. And she’s fatter and uglier!